Below are the 2 most recent journal entries recorded in circadiansynch's LiveJournal:

Friday, May 12th, 2006
1:15 am	spring cleaning headspace there's so much that i've accumulated just junk, you know? anyway, i've started to sift through all of the weird random little things i have. but i've gotten to the point where i'm not sure if i can actually fully move in to this apartment. it's hard to describe where i'm at right now, kind of feeling like i've come full circle despite everything that's changed. every moment that comes with each knick-knack monolith to memory. my father's cancer marker numbers have started to go up. we'll see what this means when he visits his oncologist in seattle in june. what little pieces of junk will act as mental residue later to remind me what this is like now? what shirt? what shell? which scraps of scribbled-on paper: "get car insurance, wash dishes, kitty litter"? i'm beginning to realize things i have taken for granted in my resentment of a lot of things going on. and for everything that makes my personal history, i wonder if i can really make the place where i live neat and tidy. what can i trust myself with for the amount of things i distrust with great pains to be deceptively sincere about. how clean of a slate can i make for myself knowing that there are patterns and habits carved into it's surface. it's really disheartening to have started up with smoking again. i haven't been running in forever. for a while i was replacing the booze with work. i'd rather be anywhere than here. but i'd like to learn to appreciate it here, despite my avoidance of what is so solid. i'm tied down with disposable things acting as a net of ephemera. can i, just for once, allow myself to be just subjectively fine. and not objectively always have some room for improvement because i'm not meeting some perfectionistic and imaginary standard. i'm sick of fleeing the mess in my room that threatens to engulf me. a trap of my own making, made from me. it's been like this, and it makes me sad that it's come to be this way. sometimes i think that if i can't be different from myself, then i'll go mad. and when i see new possibilities ahead of me, i think i want to be myself but better. to approach everything that's new in the best way, and not with all of the mistakes and flawed approach of just not knowing how to do things. which isn't realistic. when my father dies, his history won't be neatly sealed. his life will resonate and everyone in our family will have to feel how much he is there in his absence. i know i already do. and i know when he dies, it will be so unreal to me, because i've been waiting for him to die for so long. there's so much to sort through that i genuinely feel that i can't begin to go through it all and put it in any comprehesible order. but there's so much to remember that i've forgotten. these reminders make me feel like an amnesiac. that to throw it away would be to lose so many opportunities to remember. i crunched a shell underfoot while i was picking something else up. it isn't the only shell i've recently lost (i accidentally threw another one out in the garbage as i was picking up shards of glass). but i remembered sitting on a riverbank in eastern washington, trying to imagine who lived there, how long there life was lived, and how the housing of a bleached shell washed up amongst pebbles. so i guess sometimes we're just forced to forget. the shell, now in shards waiting patiently to go to the dumpster. adding more complexity to the story. pardon me, i've got a whole hell of a lot of clean laundry to fold. (Comment on this)
Monday, February 20th, 2006
6:29 pm	Internet I'm trying to use the internet less. Which is why I got an LJ...? Suuuuure, right. Anyway, I was intending to use the LJ to post more personal things but I think I'll just end up using the same guardedness I use with my dumb Myspace blog with the new LJ. Only because I know from experience as to how easy it is to look up people's shit on the internet. And be creepy and lurky. So I don't know how much I can really be open about seeing as how there is plenty that makes me hesitant to "out" myself. But yeah, it's kind of funny considering how much I contradict myself considering the research I'm going to do for my Senior Seminar course. Somehow presenting to my peers on things that are really important and interesting to me is a whole hell of a lot different from having people get the wrong idea from what's written on the internet. So what the hell. But for as much as I feel uncomfortable with being outspoken about, there is so much more that I'd love to express. So where that leaves me, I don't know. In a few months, I'll probably be posting ridiculously obscene journal entries which will make this one completely irrelevant. In particular, I feel uncomfortable with having people who already know me well learning about this side of my personality that I'm just discovering and trying to make amends with. So for as long as no one knows about this journal, I'm cool. But eventually, I'd like to be more open (which is most likely why I'm posting this shit online -- to be accidentally discovered so that I don't have to take the initiative to be like "hey, I am such and such a way, blahblah"). It's just awkward thinking of the people who already know me who are going to discover the journal and ask me questions like I'm some kind of freak. When all this stuff has actually always been going on, just under the radar. Self-discovery's a bitch. And apparently, so am I. (1 Comment |Comment on this)